Have you ever experienced the empty barren feeling? The lives around move but you are desolate from inside. I woke up with this lonesome feeling today.
Should I blame it on hormones of CD3? I will not! H is out of town and I haven’t told him about aunt flo (AF) because I have failed again in this cycle.
I refrain talking about AF to my mom too and as Lord Ganesh is going to arrive in many houses she warns me not to touch him. This infuriates me. If God didn’t want him to be touched by me he never would have created women.
And if AF is a taboo then many men have done far worse deeds to be allowed to touch God.
With all these thoughts churning inside me a post in the Huffpost newsletter caught my attention: What You Should Know About Grief, Summed Up In One Illustration.
The theme of the article is: Grief affects everyone differently. I am grieving for the loss of a baby which I never had.
People do not understand my grief, the suffering I am living with every single day. I am not insensitive to the fact that there are females getting pregnant around me, babies are born, kids play. The sight of them stings me; don’t get me wrong but not having one of my own hurts me.
I have been adamant all throughout life but now I break down quite often when the first symptom of PMS strikes me. I have faith in God but I keep fighting with him a lot these days. I keep believing he is testing my patience but I am fearful of my perseverance fading away.
‘I am not what others say I am’, this was the subject of the mail I received by Sarah Titus. This mail came at right time because I was falling back in depression due to PMS symptoms. Why? Why this time too? Anyways I am not here to rant but sharing a beautiful story in her mail.
Have you read ‘You are special’ by Max Lucado? If not read it, rather hear the narration, it would make a greater impact. Read the whole story and I would like to share a small part of it and how I correlated with my life.
Punchinello in the story is me fighting with infertility. Wemmicks are the ones around me giving the dots (bad marks) questioning about my fertility. Eli, the maker of Punchinello is definitely my creator, God.
Eli: “Looks like you’ve been given some bad marks.”
Punchinello: “I didn’t mean to, Eli. I really tried hard.”
Eli: “Oh, you don’t have to defend yourself to me, child. I don’t care what the other Wemmicks think.”
Punchinello: “You don’t?”
Eli: “No, and you shouldn’t either. Who are they to give stars or dots? They are Wemmicks just like you. What they think doesn’t matter, Punchinello. All that matters is what I think. And I think you are pretty special.”
Eli: “The stickers only stick if they matter to you. The more you trust my love, the less you care about their stickers. You are special because I made you. And I don’t make mistakes.”
I had tears but I smiled through them. I am special to God because he made me. He didn’t make mistake by making me fight with POI. Something really good will come at the end of it. I trust him.