Why I Love Reflective Journal?

About me, Fighting Infertility, home, life, marriage, quotes, Television show, write every day, Writing prompts

Writing a reflective journal

I have raved about my love for journaling many times now so much so that I have premium version of Journal on my desktop. Why do I have it?

  1. I love to write
  2. I am not comfortable talking to a camera for YouTube videos
  3. I want my child (hopeful to have one someday) and grandchildren to know how their mother and grandmother is/was.
  4. A remembrance of my presence in this life.

If I am stuck and can’t come with anything about what to write I turn towards prompts. They spark my thoughts. I am crazy for journal prompts. While searching for the same I came across Penzu – Private online Journal.

So let’s get started!

ABOUT YOU

What’s your ideal birthday gift? Why?

Books! No doubt about this one. But a Macbook would be awesome too 😀

Do you have any unique skills that make you stand out, and do you use them enough?

Writing: which I am implementing more often these days.

I can make people smile or laugh only if I am comfortable with the people I am with.

Sketching: Oh! How I loved it.

What do you hope to be doing with your life in a year? What about in a decade?

I hope to become a full time blogger.

What kinds of thoughts help you fall asleep at night?

I am a sleepyhead. I don’t need any thoughts to fall asleep 😛

sleepyhead

How do you want to improve yourself?

Believing is self each day, every day.

What values are most important to you?

Humanity – a one value, for me it’s a religion. Treat everyone alike. I don’t take any crap when people judge others based on caste, appearance and economic status.

Where do you want to go on your next vacation?

Kerala or Bali.

What are you looking forward to?

Coming two months. I have to take a firm decision.

YOUR EXPERIENCES

If you cannot think of what to write about in your reflective journal, think about your history. There’s a wealth of information to be considered and written about when you reflect on your past, whether you focus on your childhood or just the past week.

How have you grown in the past year?

Well, my belly fat has grown. Apart from this my perseverance has increased and I have taken a step to think about stepping out of my comfort zone.

When was the last time you felt truly content, and why did you feel that way?

Vacation to Kashmir – it was my dream destination.

What’s your favorite memory?

Summer vacation: Waking up watching Talespin, Potli Baba Ki, Different Strokes, Bewitched, I Dream of Jeannie.

What accomplishment are you most proud of?

Passing tenth and twelfth grade, final year of medical college, selection for job on first interview. What?! Aren’t these accomplishments?

What was your first memory, and why do you think you remember that event in particular?

I was 3 year old and I was playing with the shaving foam while my dad was shaving. I don’t know the reason but after 27 years I do remember it.

How was your day? What were the highs and lows?

My day started being lazy. I woke up one hour late from my set alarm. Celebration of navratri at work by wearing designated color each day.

YOUR BELIEFS

If you need a few more journal prompts, think hard about what you believe in and what you consider important. These questions can help you reflect:

Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens or other supernatural beings? Why?

Ghosts: No. But I might believe when one comes in front of me.

Aliens: I am curious to know about them!

Supernatural: Why not?

What do you think of miracles? Have you ever experienced one?

I will believe in miracles only if my no-functioning ovaries produce one egg to get fertilized. Till then NO!

Which invention are you most impressed by?

Google!!! Tell me one thing you can’t find on it.

Okay, Google don’t have any answer when I type, “What’s my husband doing right now?”

What are your religious beliefs (if any)? What do you think about the religious beliefs of others?

Answered earlier: Humanity. I hold no opinion on what others belief.

YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

Your relationships with other people help shape your world, so it’s nice to reflect on them once in a while as you journal:

Which relationships in your life are most important to you?

Parent-child, Teacher-student, Friendship, Spouse.        

Do you feel like you have improved someone’s life at some point? If so, describe how.

I have and keep helping others whenever I can. As for improvement, I believe you yourself can bring improvement.

What qualities do you look for in good friends? How about in potential partners?

Do not expect anything from each other. This only will create a strong bond.

What are your favorite family’s traditions?

Eating meal together.

How do you feel about your current relationship with your friends? Your family members?

Friends: I should share more.

Family members: I get irritated when they talk about my fertility. Which I shouldn’t!

If you could be friends with anyone in the world, who would it be? Why?

Nia Vardalas only because of the quote from her book Instant Mom : “A small social guideline: don’t ask a woman if she is pregnant unless her water breaks on your flip-flops, a baby arm dangles out of her vagina, and she asks you to cut the cord. Then and only then may you ask if she is having a baby. Otherwise, shut up.”

My favorite self-exploration journal:

Did you try searching “What’s my husband doing right now?”? 😛 That’s it for now, see you all soon!

journaling ideas + prompts

This post does contain affiliate link.

The Good Wife: It took me 8 years to watch it!

Fighting Infertility, life, marriage, Television show, write every day

Seriously I wasn’t even interested having a sneak peek of it. Firstly the title ‘the good wife’ did not fascinate me. Secondly I thought it would be same court room television drama but I was wrong. I was so wrong.

It is raining rats and dogs in Mumbai with strong winds, lightning and randomly I was browsing through the shows on Amazon prime video. I gave a look to the good wife show and started it with a homemade pizza giving me company.

The pilot episode features Alicias’ (the protagonist) first case of retrial of a woman accused of murdering her ex. After their first meeting Alicia advises the woman which was so fabulous and true to the fact.

“You like reading? I’m going to get you some books. Fiction is best. You won’t feel like it, but put on nice clothes and makeup. Force yourself to. Not for court for you. It’s the superficial things that matter most right now. Does it ever get easier? No. But you do get better at it.”

I can relate to the nice clothes and makeup. Since coming to face-to-face with infertility I am in love of getting ready. Even if I run late in the morning, I put on some compact, kohl, mascara and a lipstick before stepping out. I do it not with the intention of being attractive or hide my flaws but I do it because it makes me happy. I feel confident with it. Have you tried? No? Give it a try ladies!

Going ahead with the show: “Childs, you’ve obviously never made a woman angry before.” (Scene where Glenn Child meets Alicia after her first case) Woah! Now this was something to keep me going. I felt like cheering for this lady and shout, “You Go Girl!”

I always believe fiction has truth at its root and the strength which Alicia has and lives with for her children, is indeed admirable.

Two episodes down, I have a long journey with the good wife. Have you watched it?

the good wife dram television

Photo by Alexander Solodukhin on Unsplash

5 Common Causes of Irregular Periods

About me, Fighting Infertility, POI, write every day

You don’t want to be surprised with the appearance of Aunt Flo and carry sanitary pads or tampons along with everywhere you go. Guess what?! It never arrives. You are smart enough to rule out the primary cause of amenorrhea or reason of missed period- Pregnancy and during breastfeeding.

5 questions every menstruating woman should note down if she has irregular period:

  1. What is the mechanism of menstruation?
  2. Why the bleeding hasn’t begun?
  3. Why did I menstruate early this month?
  4. Why did my period stop suddenly?
  5. What are the causes of irregular period?

I want this post easy to understand without the heavy medical terminologies.

What every woman should know about menstruation?

  • Irregular period is common
  • Every woman does not have 28 days menstrual cycle
  • The range of menstrual cycle can be between every 20 to 35 days provided they are consistent.

What exactly is irregular period?

If the bleeding occurs within 20 days in a given month, 35 days the next month, spotting in between, or absence of bleeding for many months (ruling out pregnancy).

If you stand in any of this range, you must get evaluated further with a health care provider.

causes of irregular periodsPhoto by Roman Bozhko on Unsplash

COMMON CAUSES OF IRREGULAR PERIOD:

Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS, PCOD)

PCOS is the most common endocrine disorder affecting 1 in 10 women. As the name suggests, there are multiple ovarian cyst formation. Irregular period is the common symptom in PCOS.

To explain it in simple terms: Cysts = multiple follicles growing haphazardly = size of ovaries increases = no formation of egg (anovulation) = hormonal imbalance = absence of menses = abnormal growth of hair (especially face)

Anovulation is the main cause of infertility in cases of polycystic ovarian syndrome.

The stats of PCOS cases are ever increasing but what exactly causes it is still obscure.

Endometriosis

It is a painful condition where the tissue found in uterus grows around ovaries, fallopian tubes and other pelvic organs.

Slight spotting or bleeding begins before actual menstrual period. Endometriosis is cause of infertility in about 20 to 40 % cases.

Thyroid gland disorders

Thyroid gland is a butterfly shaped organ situated at the base of neck. It can be said that it is one of the major controller of our body which has its effect on heart, brain, kidney, in other words: inspector of all the major organs.

Usually there is bleeding between periods or heavy bleeding in cases of thyroid gland diseases.

Eating disorders

Anorexia (refusing to eat) and bulimia (overeating followed by self-induced vomiting or fasting) grossly affects menstrual cycle.

Birth control pills

Yes its true, in some females the pills does affect the menstrual cycle either the bleeding is in spots or there is delay in onset of menstruation.

The above conditions are not the only causes of irregular menstrual cycle. I suggest you consult a gynaecologist for further investigation and treatment.

Investigation of irregular period is must for every woman even in those who have decided not to bear a child. Menstrual cycle is an essential part of our body where the hormones when secreted in normal quantity keep us healthy. There are many menstrual tracker apps available. Start using one of them. The one I use is Clue and it helps me tracking the cycle length because my menstrual cycle fluctuates due to premature ovarian failure.

Best Apps to track periodPhoto by rawpixel.com on Unsplash

The Best Period Tracker Apps:

Clue Period Tracker: Period & Ovulation Tracker

Period Tracker – Menstrual Calendar

Eve Period Tracker & Sexual Health App

Glow Period & Ovulation Tracker, Fertility App

Grieving The Loss of a Baby I Never Had

About me, Fighting Infertility, life, POI

Have you ever experienced the empty barren feeling? The lives around move but you are desolate from inside. I woke up with this lonesome feeling today.

Should I blame it on hormones of CD3? I will not! H is out of town and I haven’t told him about aunt flo (AF) because I have failed again in this cycle.

I refrain talking about AF to my mom too and as Lord Ganesh is going to arrive in many houses she warns me not to touch him. This infuriates me. If God didn’t want him to be touched by me he never would have created women.

grieving the loss of a baby

Photo by Martin Kníže on Unsplash

And if AF is a taboo then many men have done far worse deeds to be allowed to touch God.

With all these thoughts churning inside me a post in the Huffpost newsletter caught my attention: What You Should Know About Grief, Summed Up In One Illustration.

The theme of the article is: Grief affects everyone differently. I am grieving for the loss of a baby which I never had.

People do not understand my grief, the suffering I am living with every single day. I am not insensitive to the fact that there are females getting pregnant around me, babies are born, kids play. The sight of them stings me; don’t get me wrong but not having one of my own hurts me.

I have been adamant all throughout life but now I break down quite often when the first symptom of PMS strikes me. I have faith in God but I keep fighting with him a lot these days. I keep believing he is testing my patience but I am fearful of my perseverance fading away.

Random chit-chat, My Favorite fellow bloggers and Award

About me, Fighting Infertility, life, write every day

Today I just want you to listen to me. I want to share my thoughts here and also because I miss talking with friends face to face and not via social media or technology.

best infertility blogs, unique blogger award

I miss my best friend V from school more these days. Life has pulled us apart but we have always been in touch. Now she lives seven oceans apart and I am missing her so badly because chatting with a friend in front of you is far different than on Whatsapp.

Writing is cathartic. As I have mentioned in one of my previous post that I have made few really good friends through blogging. Here I mostly share my struggle with infertility and all about TTC which I still haven’t got courage to share on my other blog.

I have met amazing women here and fellow TTC sisters. Mother of none is the one of the most smart and offbeat blogger I came across. She makes me smile, laugh and cry through her writing because it resonates with my life too.

myjourneycreatinglife and The Hopeful Mama, we share same journey of POF. It is strange how we are located in different parts of this world yet experience same feelings and thoughts. 

ramblingsofaninfertile, Making Baby Joy, Finding Joy in Infertility, Post IVF world , Plan B , heartsongwords are few others I met in this journey and always look forward to hearing from them. I love reading life updates of 40andpregnant

I love the girl behind Dubliner In Deutschland. If you are reading this my heartiest wishes with you for a healthy pregnancy and baby.

I want to Thank from bottom of my heart to Gauri from That Blessed Life for giving me the award Unique Blogger Award. I won’t nominate anyone but I will definitely answer your questions:

Questions-

  1. What is the inspiration behind your blog?

Sharing my life of trying to conceive, the hard life behind it and also making aware to young and everyone about Premature Ovarian Failure or Premature Menopause.

2. What advice you’d give to any blogger?

Write what you feel and not what others want to read. 

3. An incident that makes you feel proud about yourself.

Getting the award of best camper in tenth grade. Long back but still makes me feel proud. 

4. What is your biggest experimental disaster in your kitchen (funny)?

While preparing dough I was listening to music and I was so engrossed in the song I added twice the amount of water in the flour. Imagine the scene and my mom had to come for my rescue.

music cooking writing

5. What really scares you a lot?

Not having a baby (not surprising!)

Thank You once again.

Moving forward with other bloggers. The sensuous and heartfelt poems by awriterssoulblog and ladybug love  , Frank Solanki, Rhythm in Life, The Glitters of Life are worth a read. 

I cannot skip mentioning The Love Letter Projects especially her Monday Love. BEyouTIFUL, you rock girl, my instagram feeds look bright and beautiful with your posts. 

This is it for now. 

happy girl

Sweet Home Alabama

About me, Fighting Infertility, home, life, marriage, POI, write every day

I love Reese Witherspoon.

reese witherspoon

She is my favourite in Big Little Lies TV series among the other major leads and in this movie she was FAB! It had been long time since I watched a whole movie at a stretch in one go. Watching movies on Romedy Now is one of my self-care pamper routine. When I am alone I tune it to see which movie is running and if it is on my to-watch-movie list (yes I do have such list), no one can stop me. It is a perfect way of relaxation. I love their theme: Love. Laugh. Live

It is inspiring how Melanie (Reese Witherspoon character) travels to a big city reinvents her self to become a successful designer. My favourite part starts when she comes back to her hometown (after seven years) to get a divorce from Jake.

It was so hilarious when she meets Jake after seven years and tries to get in their home. Excerpt of the scene:

Jake: [not recognizing Melanie in her sunglasses] Can I help you?

Melanie Carmichael: Well, for starters, you can get your stubborn ass down here and give me a divorce.

Jake: You’re shittin’ me, right?

Melanie Carmichael: I never fully understood that expression, but no, I am not “shitting” you.

The tussle between two of them was fun because I saw me and H in that situation (LOL). The fight and how with authority she enters the home as if she never left. I visualized myself in her situation because of her stubbornness like I am 😀

Love is beautiful but strange. Melanie and Jake are the childhood sweethearts but lived in separation for many years after marriage. This made me think! I have seen childhood love flourish and also almost ending as if they had never been in love.

And then there are couples who meet late after mid-life and are happy together. Can I conclude that it doesn’t matter when you meet that ‘one’ in your life? I and H were engaged for 9 months before we got married. Woah! Those nine months were lovely, adventurous with pinch of salt and large spoonful of chilly powder. I had got the glimpse of how married life would be for me. 

We fought a lot in early years of marriage. So much so that I had thoughts of divorce and separation. I had even confessed it to him. Things are not going smooth we should take a break from each other. It was may be due to our differences in thinking or whatever it was, over the period I made a truce and shook hands with it. 

Now the fight with infertility causes clashes in our relationship but life is not bad as it was. It gets better and it would get much better if I conceive 😀

happy girl gif

Anyways back to the movie. If you haven’t watched it and now that you have a peek in its storyline I request to at least watch the scene where Melanie visits the Dog Cemetery and the conversation between Jake and her. I had tears rolling down. 

It still amazes me how  we fight with the one but somewhere deep down love exists. But there are also relationship where it turns out too unpleasant to be in each others life and it is best to walk on different paths. Nothing wrong in it. Why should we force the couple to live together when everything is wrong in the root of the relationship? Just because of societal norms, Oh Please! The only thing that exist in such lives is hatred and abuses. I have witnessed it  and so I am of the belief that living separately is best. 

I can’t stress enough on the fact – ‘Life is short.’ So why to live in such unhealthy link? 

Love does exist in various forms. We just got to have eyes to look for it. 

sweet home alabama wedding scene

 

 

 

You are special by Max Lucado

You are Special

About me, Fighting Infertility, life, POI

‘I am not what others say I am’, this was the subject of the mail I received by Sarah Titus. This mail came at right time because I was falling back in depression due to PMS symptoms. Why? Why this time too? Anyways I am not here to rant but sharing a beautiful story in her mail.

Have you read ‘You are special’ by Max Lucado? If not read it, rather hear the narration, it would make a greater impact. Read the whole story and I would like to share a small part of it and how I correlated with my life.

Punchinello in the story is me fighting with infertility. Wemmicks are the ones around me giving the dots (bad marks) questioning about my fertility. Eli, the maker of Punchinello is definitely my creator, God.  

Eli: “Looks like you’ve been given some bad marks.”

Punchinello: “I didn’t mean to, Eli. I really tried hard.”

Eli: “Oh, you don’t have to defend yourself to me, child. I don’t care what the other Wemmicks think.”

Punchinello: “You don’t?”

Eli: “No, and you shouldn’t either. Who are they to give stars or dots? They are Wemmicks just like you. What they think doesn’t matter, Punchinello. All that matters is what I think. And I think you are pretty special.”

Eli: “The stickers only stick if they matter to you. The more you trust my love, the less you care about their stickers. You are special because I made you. And I don’t make mistakes.” 

I had tears but I smiled through them. I am special to God because he made me. He didn’t make mistake by making me fight with POI. Something really good will come at the end of it. I trust him.

You are special by Max Lucado

 

5 Favorite TV shows, Movies and My Infertility

About me, Fighting Infertility, life, marriage, quotes, Self-love

This post is not to mock anyone. It is just my effort to be happy even with the big ‘I’ word – Infertility. Let’s get started, shall I?

infertility causes, tv series

Image source: Pexel Designed on: Canva

The Vampire Diaries:

Don’t you smirk! I LOVE IT. I am addicted to it and am hooked to the last vampire diaries season 8. I love the evil yet adorable Damon (not a surprise, ain’t it?) I am jealous of Elena. Anyways I am not here to write about my favorite characters.

I wish I could switch my humanity as vampires can which makes them evil and hungry for blood. I will turn my emotions off and attack all those who treat infertile couples especially women as… (I can’t write the word which is in my head, hope you guessed it)

Yes I want to be a vampire with my humanity shut off, after all vampires too can’t reproduce and I there would have been no need of all the infertility treatment. I wonder whose blood I would drink to be one. (Secretly wishing its Damon Salvatore, LOL. He never stopped loving Elena)

vampire diaries cast

Source: GIPHY

Give me the powers of Siren like the evil sisters – Sybil and Seline I would drill in the heads of people asking, “When are you going to have a baby, are you planning, what’s wrong?” and make them feel the emotional pain I am going through.

I am kind of being a little bit evil here, but hey try standing in my shoes of infertile; you won’t be able to walk even half a mile!

Lastly I want a friend, a confidante like Bonnie Bennett whom I can share anything and everything about my ‘not able to have a baby in my belly’ situation because she is all ears. And I cannot restrain myself asking her ‘what are my causes of infertility and when will I have one?’ with her psychic abilities; couldn’t hurt to request 😉

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

I had watched the season where Monica and Chandler come to know about their infertility before my marriage. Not even my wildest dreams I could have imagined the same for me. I remember the episode wherein Monica wants to try after positive ovulation test but Chandler doesn’t want because they were fighting. That’s so resonate with reality.

It takes great deal of strength for a couple to go through this journey together. I guess there are very few couples like Monica and Chandler who can say ‘I am sorry…I am sorry too.”

friends tv show sitcom

Chasing Life

Please tell me I am not the only one who adored this Chasing Life TV series. How can they just stop it? If the makers are reading this, I plead to you, continue the show. I loved April, her bestie Beth and the wacky Leo. I may not die of infertility considering the fight of April with cancer, but there is lot to learn from her. I can empathize with her feelings. Her quote, “There’s no such thing as 5 minutes for me anymore, every minute counts.”

Let me reframe it, “There’s no such thing as take a break from trying for me anymore, every day after ovulation counts.”

I certainly know how I am gonna come out of this long disturbing journey:

chasing life tv show

The Last Word

Harriet Lauler took risks and lived a life she wanted with no regrets. And this was the reason no one spoke something “good” for her obituary. I do not want to spoil the movie plot here rather I want to share something insightful.

Harriet Lauler: Taking risks is what life is all about. I took a risk. I went to college and in my day oh! no man wanted to marry a woman who was educated, no man wanted to marry a woman who worked, no man wanted to marry a woman that he worked for. And my favorite was no one wanted to marry a woman in business but those were the risks I was willing to take.

Kid: Why? Why did you take those risks?

Harriet Lauler: Because there was no way I was not going to live up to my potential. Now you have to ask yourself this question:

“Are you willing to take a risk to do something stupid?”  or “Are you willing to take a risk to do something great?”

The last word movie quotes

How does this dialogue connect to my infertility? I took a risk of stopping hormonal pills. I took the risk of not opting for IVF. But am I ready to take a risk of taking the decision or at least thinking that it is ‘OK’ if I never have a baby of my own?

I was stung by strange who fired a question at me, “What will happen if you do not conceive? If not then it doesn’t make any difference, you have the right to be happy in life despite it.”

Well at this stage of my life I am not willing to take the risk of saying, ‘It’s OK’.

Me Before You

I need not re-write it again. Read the entire post on the movie here.

Thank you for reading and the support. Hope you like the post.

I do not own any rights for the images used in this post

 

 

Me Before You

Fighting Infertility, life, marriage

I had dived into the book ‘Me Before You’ without reading the synopsis. And am so glad I didn’t because it turned out to be the best reads. It was lying on my to-be-read books for long time  and randomly started reading and couldn’t put it down. This was last year. I wanted to keep reading what happens in the end and yet at the same time didn’t want to finish because it would be over.

The movie came much after the release of the book and there was no doubt I could miss it. Book had set high expectations and I am so impressed the movie fulfilled it (which most of the adapted movies lack).

Don’t Forget About Me – CLOVES

The oh so gorgeous Will Traynor and the chatty Louisa Clark ignites sparks in the darkness of my mind. Last night I rewatched the movie, not the whole but my favorite scenes.

Life is been more or less like Will Traynor – paraplegic (not literally) but infertility is snatching away every bit of peace within me. No matter how hard I try to be cheerful, the ‘when’ slaps me. I wish there was a ‘Dignitas’ for me too – To live with dignity, To die with dignity.

I have started craving solitude more than often because there would be no one to ask those questions. There is no one I could share my feelings with, not even H. In fact I keep wanting to stay away from him (ridiculous I know).

I have stopped all kind of medicines and treatment. Too tiring – physically and mentally. I am waiting for it to happen ‘naturally’ or let me rest in peace as Will Traynor did at the end!

My Premature Ovarian Failure Story

About me, Fighting Infertility, life, marriage

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Disclaimer:

This post is in no way to pity me or to scare you but more of my experience with Premature Ovarian Failure and infertility. How and when did I come to know of diagnosis, the signs and symptoms of it? Remember not every case of any disease presents itself ditto as in medical books or medical websites (I know you must have googled many). I being a doctor, myself, not in my deadliest of dreams thought I would have it.

Read this post as an awareness of Premature Ovarian Failure through the mouth of the one living with it. Don’t worry I won’t bombard you with heavy medical lingo but only the chronological series of my signs and symptoms.

Let’s get started! (It is going to be a long read. Grab your tea, coffee or water :D)

premature ovarian failure

Image

Premature Ovarian Failure

Doesn’t scare you after reading it, right? How about I say Premature menopause or early menopause in your 20s and 30s? Now this sounds scary, isn’t it?

Statistics say Premature Ovarian Failure occurs in 0.1% (1 in a 1000) women between the ages of 15 and 29, and 1% (1 in 100) women between the ages of 30 and 39. (DAMN!!! Why am I the unluckiest ‘1’ in 1000? But I would love to be the ‘1’ to conceive despite this ovaries-eating disease. Oh and btw I am 29 and going to be 30 soon)

Puberty

Normal. I had my first menses at age of 12 with 4-5 days of bleeding. Normal breast development, appearance of hair besides scalp (its normal location). Menses were regular but always on earlier side on Days 22, 23, 24, 25, 26 but never late.

End of my teens

Till age of 17 everything seemed to be normal. Then I think my master gland (pituitary) decided to live on its own terms without taking me into consideration.

Twice a year my menses shifted from its regularity gradually (REMEMBER- GRADUALLY holds the importance). I shoved it off by saying it might be due to stress of academics. I did underwent screening to rule out PCOS and yes I was elated I did not have it because I was not overweight, I did not have dark pigmentation anywhere. (Lesser I had known I was going to have worse than PCOS)

Did not spare my skin and hair

My skin! Why, Why, WHY? It is already eating up my follicles and above all attacking my skin. Hirsuitism (facial hair growth) even before I touched 20.  My parents had spent thousands for my laser treatment for hair removal. I had my blood screened for all the hormones before the treatment. Apart from DHEAS and testosterone, everything was normal (Another proof of NO PCOS). I still have excess hair growth but less worse than before. 

Acne! I hate you even now you crop on my face every now and then even The Body Shop products cannot rescue my skin from your peril.

My hair! What can I say, let it be!

Came the age of 25 (when I got married)

MY MENSES WENT BERSERK SO QUICKLY IT FREAKED ME OUT. 3 months no sign of PMS or spotting. I was sure I wasn’t pregnant, nevertheless I took pregnancy test which was negative (I was sure about). End of 3 months, comes the use of sanitary napkins without using any pills. ( I saved many bucks during those 3 months. LOL)

I darted the delay due to post-marriage stress 😛 . On a serious note, my menses were almost regular for 2 years.

Age of 27

Hormones. Checked. Follicular study. Done.  Only one follicle enlarged in one ovary and ruptured by 18th day of my cycle (which should have rang the bell of something ‘serious’, but we never anticipate for the worse, do we?) Nah-nah.

Age of 28

BANG! No menses for 5 months. No pregnancy. With WORSE PMS as if now, now the bleeding would start but nothing. My skin became so dull and the unhealthy look made me mad and angry (I didn’t have anyone or anything to blame on) despite of healthy eating habits. Trust me I had cut down junk foods drastically, restricted to once a week.

This time I had to take pills because it was enough.

Recheck of all the hormones. Done. Normal. Again except for FSH (Follicle stimulating hormone).

FSH to Ovaries: “RELEASE THE FOLLICLES, YOU! I AM TRYING SO HARD”

Ovaries: “DO NOT PUSH ME. I AM ALREADY TIRED.”

Uterus: “HELLO, YOU TWO! I AM WAITING SINCE SO LONG TO GROW A TINY HUMAN BEING WITHIN ME. Your fight is doing no good. I weep every month, well, not every month as you do not allow me to even weep.”

Me: “I am tired you guys. I am tired.”

Age of 29

We were labelled with ‘Primary infertility’ (Biggest impact) couples since second year of marriage. We had started planning by the end of first year but never conceived.

Hysterosalpingography. Done. Patent tubes.

Follicular study. 1 follicle. No growth. Ruptured prematurely. No conception (Not a surprise!)

Antral follicle count on Day 3. 2-3 dormant follicles only in one ovary. POOR RESULT.

FSH level. High.

Final test to confirm Premature ovarian failure

AMH (Anti-mullerian hormone). Bull’s eye for my diagnosis. Very very very low count.

Chances of conception with my own (if) remaining eggs – negligible.

Clinical suggestion – IVF with donor eggs.

Me (inside my head): “NO! NO! NO! No, no, no…”

Premature ovarian failure: “You have no other choice.”

Me: “I will never let you take control over my life.”

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