You are Special

‘I am not what others say I am’, this was the subject of the mail I received by Sarah Titus. This mail came at right time because I was falling back in depression due to PMS symptoms. Why? Why this time too? Anyways I am not here to rant but sharing a beautiful story in her mail.

Have you read ‘You are special’ by Max Lucado? If not read it, rather hear the narration, it would make a greater impact. Read the whole story and I would like to share a small part of it and how I correlated with my life.

Punchinello in the story is me fighting with infertility. Wemmicks are the ones around me giving the dots (bad marks) questioning about my fertility. Eli, the maker of Punchinello is definitely my creator, God.  

Eli: “Looks like you’ve been given some bad marks.”

Punchinello: “I didn’t mean to, Eli. I really tried hard.”

Eli: “Oh, you don’t have to defend yourself to me, child. I don’t care what the other Wemmicks think.”

Punchinello: “You don’t?”

Eli: “No, and you shouldn’t either. Who are they to give stars or dots? They are Wemmicks just like you. What they think doesn’t matter, Punchinello. All that matters is what I think. And I think you are pretty special.”

Eli: “The stickers only stick if they matter to you. The more you trust my love, the less you care about their stickers. You are special because I made you. And I don’t make mistakes.” 

I had tears but I smiled through them. I am special to God because he made me. He didn’t make mistake by making me fight with POI. Something really good will come at the end of it. I trust him.

You are special by Max Lucado

 

Take Me Away

happy girl looking

Take me away, to the place where dreams come true

Take me away, to the place where love dwells in each heart

Take me away, to the place where life is not taken for granted

Take me away, to the place where jealousy doesn’t drink happiness

Take me away, to the place where ego doesn’t eat innocence

Take me away, to the place where pervert doesn’t lay its dirty hands

Take me away, to the place where hatred doesn’t kill the love

Take me away, to the place where hate doesn’t burn in the name of love

Take me away, to the place where music ignites love and respect

Take me away, to the place where life is lived to its fullest.

©kohleyed7

Image source

She Lived Her Life She Wanted

Oh boy, did I cry two nights in a row?

girl crying

Image source: GIPHY

No, it wasn’t because of TTC but after watching the last episode of The Vampire Diaries and the next night the movie ‘The Last Word’. One being fiction and the other so close to reality. Let me begin with the Vampire Diaries: Fiction yet the friendship, the brotherhood, the love connected to what life is all about. I could connect with all the emotions: anger, hatred, jealousy, revenge. Have you ever felt the person near you cannot be the person with whom you connect emotionally? Have you ever experienced the unrequited love? Have you ever been reluctant to confess your love? Is there anyone, one single person who knows you so much so that the distance doesn’t matter?

I have asked you many questions. It’s now my turn to answer each one of them. The one person near and always near me is H and I am sad to say that I cannot connect with him on the ground of emotions. We are like the two ends of the pole yet together. I have always been an introvert more over introvert with regards to emotions. It is so difficult to share what I feel. It may be because of my upbringing or my fear that people will laugh at my emotions. I can only write my feelings but sometimes even that is difficult. As I am sharing most of my insides, I want to tell you something.

This isn’t my first or the only blog. This vast world of blogging resides my first blog I started in 2010. Yeah long journey into blogging! That blog is still alive I will keep it alive till my last breathe. That blog is my shadow. It made me realized what I am capable of. I found myself in it. It is my mirror. Whenever life becomes hazy, it clears my vision. It shows me where I stand. It brought out the poet inside me. When I go back to the poems I wrote it reflects how much I have lost in these years. I have lost a part of my life. I have lost my muse. Over the period I came out of my anonymity to only to few fellow bloggers and I am so glad to meet them on this platform. We are still in touch after so many years. But they do not know it is me behind kohleyed7. I do hope sometime soon I will drop down the mask of anonymous here.

anonymous writer

Back to answering the questions. I haven’t experienced an unrequited love but I never confessed my love to the person, the first and only person who caught the real me behind the silence. I thought it must be coincidence but no, each time that person knew what I was thinking. Do I regret it? Yes, I do. I should have at least tried and if the answer had been ‘No’ I would have lived with it but now I may never know.

The answer to the last question: Yes, I have that one person who knows me well where the distance doesn’t matter. I am not lucky but I am blessed to have. I can ping the one anytime of day or night and just few words brings back the calmness inside my turmoil mind.

The Last Word: I cried, I cried towards the end due to sadness and I laughed through my tears. It made me re-think about my obituary, how will it be? Harriet Lauler was a successful woman during her young age but people did not like her but she did something’s at age of 81 to change that. She can do those at 81, I am 30 and I have to work hard. The one reading my obituary would title it as, ‘She lived her life she wanted.’

5 Favorite TV shows, Movies and My Infertility

This post is not to mock anyone. It is just my effort to be happy even with the big ‘I’ word – Infertility. Let’s get started, shall I?

infertility causes, tv series

Image source: Pexel Designed on: Canva

The Vampire Diaries:

Don’t you smirk! I LOVE IT. I am addicted to it and am hooked to the last vampire diaries season 8. I love the evil yet adorable Damon (not a surprise, ain’t it?) I am jealous of Elena. Anyways I am not here to write about my favorite characters.

I wish I could switch my humanity as vampires can which makes them evil and hungry for blood. I will turn my emotions off and attack all those who treat infertile couples especially women as… (I can’t write the word which is in my head, hope you guessed it)

Yes I want to be a vampire with my humanity shut off, after all vampires too can’t reproduce and I there would have been no need of all the infertility treatment. I wonder whose blood I would drink to be one. (Secretly wishing its Damon Salvatore, LOL. He never stopped loving Elena)

vampire diaries cast

Source: GIPHY

Give me the powers of Siren like the evil sisters – Sybil and Seline I would drill in the heads of people asking, “When are you going to have a baby, are you planning, what’s wrong?” and make them feel the emotional pain I am going through.

I am kind of being a little bit evil here, but hey try standing in my shoes of infertile; you won’t be able to walk even half a mile!

Lastly I want a friend, a confidante like Bonnie Bennett whom I can share anything and everything about my ‘not able to have a baby in my belly’ situation because she is all ears. And I cannot restrain myself asking her ‘what are my causes of infertility and when will I have one?’ with her psychic abilities; couldn’t hurt to request 😉

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

I had watched the season where Monica and Chandler come to know about their infertility before my marriage. Not even my wildest dreams I could have imagined the same for me. I remember the episode wherein Monica wants to try after positive ovulation test but Chandler doesn’t want because they were fighting. That’s so resonate with reality.

It takes great deal of strength for a couple to go through this journey together. I guess there are very few couples like Monica and Chandler who can say ‘I am sorry…I am sorry too.”

friends tv show sitcom

Chasing Life

Please tell me I am not the only one who adored this Chasing Life TV series. How can they just stop it? If the makers are reading this, I plead to you, continue the show. I loved April, her bestie Beth and the wacky Leo. I may not die of infertility considering the fight of April with cancer, but there is lot to learn from her. I can empathize with her feelings. Her quote, “There’s no such thing as 5 minutes for me anymore, every minute counts.”

Let me reframe it, “There’s no such thing as take a break from trying for me anymore, every day after ovulation counts.”

I certainly know how I am gonna come out of this long disturbing journey:

chasing life tv show

The Last Word

Harriet Lauler took risks and lived a life she wanted with no regrets. And this was the reason no one spoke something “good” for her obituary. I do not want to spoil the movie plot here rather I want to share something insightful.

Harriet Lauler: Taking risks is what life is all about. I took a risk. I went to college and in my day oh! no man wanted to marry a woman who was educated, no man wanted to marry a woman who worked, no man wanted to marry a woman that he worked for. And my favorite was no one wanted to marry a woman in business but those were the risks I was willing to take.

Kid: Why? Why did you take those risks?

Harriet Lauler: Because there was no way I was not going to live up to my potential. Now you have to ask yourself this question:

“Are you willing to take a risk to do something stupid?”  or “Are you willing to take a risk to do something great?”

The last word movie quotes

How does this dialogue connect to my infertility? I took a risk of stopping hormonal pills. I took the risk of not opting for IVF. But am I ready to take a risk of taking the decision or at least thinking that it is ‘OK’ if I never have a baby of my own?

I was stung by strange who fired a question at me, “What will happen if you do not conceive? If not then it doesn’t make any difference, you have the right to be happy in life despite it.”

Well at this stage of my life I am not willing to take the risk of saying, ‘It’s OK’.

Me Before You

I need not re-write it again. Read the entire post on the movie here.

Thank you for reading and the support. Hope you like the post.

I do not own any rights for the images used in this post

 

 

Me Before You

I had dived into the book ‘Me Before You’ without reading the synopsis. And am so glad I didn’t because it turned out to be the best reads. It was lying on my to-be-read books for long time  and randomly started reading and couldn’t put it down. This was last year. I wanted to keep reading what happens in the end and yet at the same time didn’t want to finish because it would be over.

The movie came much after the release of the book and there was no doubt I could miss it. Book had set high expectations and I am so impressed the movie fulfilled it (which most of the adapted movies lack).

Don’t Forget About Me – CLOVES

The oh so gorgeous Will Traynor and the chatty Louisa Clark ignites sparks in the darkness of my mind. Last night I rewatched the movie, not the whole but my favorite scenes.

Life is been more or less like Will Traynor – paraplegic (not literally) but infertility is snatching away every bit of peace within me. No matter how hard I try to be cheerful, the ‘when’ slaps me. I wish there was a ‘Dignitas’ for me too – To live with dignity, To die with dignity.

I have started craving solitude more than often because there would be no one to ask those questions. There is no one I could share my feelings with, not even H. In fact I keep wanting to stay away from him (ridiculous I know).

I have stopped all kind of medicines and treatment. Too tiring – physically and mentally. I am waiting for it to happen ‘naturally’ or let me rest in peace as Will Traynor did at the end!

My Premature Ovarian Failure Story

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Disclaimer:

This post is in no way to pity me or to scare you but more of my experience with Premature Ovarian Failure and infertility. How and when did I come to know of diagnosis, the signs and symptoms of it? Remember not every case of any disease presents itself ditto as in medical books or medical websites (I know you must have googled many). I being a doctor, myself, not in my deadliest of dreams thought I would have it.

Read this post as an awareness of Premature Ovarian Failure through the mouth of the one living with it. Don’t worry I won’t bombard you with heavy medical lingo but only the chronological series of my signs and symptoms.

Let’s get started! (It is going to be a long read. Grab your tea, coffee or water :D)

premature ovarian failure

Image

Premature Ovarian Failure

Doesn’t scare you after reading it, right? How about I say Premature menopause or early menopause in your 20s and 30s? Now this sounds scary, isn’t it?

Statistics say Premature Ovarian Failure occurs in 0.1% (1 in a 1000) women between the ages of 15 and 29, and 1% (1 in 100) women between the ages of 30 and 39. (DAMN!!! Why am I the unluckiest ‘1’ in 1000? But I would love to be the ‘1’ to conceive despite this ovaries-eating disease. Oh and btw I am 29 and going to be 30 soon)

Puberty

Normal. I had my first menses at age of 12 with 4-5 days of bleeding. Normal breast development, appearance of hair besides scalp (its normal location). Menses were regular but always on earlier side on Days 22, 23, 24, 25, 26 but never late.

End of my teens

Till age of 17 everything seemed to be normal. Then I think my master gland (pituitary) decided to live on its own terms without taking me into consideration.

Twice a year my menses shifted from its regularity gradually (REMEMBER- GRADUALLY holds the importance). I shoved it off by saying it might be due to stress of academics. I did underwent screening to rule out PCOS and yes I was elated I did not have it because I was not overweight, I did not have dark pigmentation anywhere. (Lesser I had known I was going to have worse than PCOS)

Did not spare my skin and hair

My skin! Why, Why, WHY? It is already eating up my follicles and above all attacking my skin. Hirsuitism (facial hair growth) even before I touched 20.  My parents had spent thousands for my laser treatment for hair removal. I had my blood screened for all the hormones before the treatment. Apart from DHEAS and testosterone, everything was normal (Another proof of NO PCOS). I still have excess hair growth but less worse than before. 

Acne! I hate you even now you crop on my face every now and then even The Body Shop products cannot rescue my skin from your peril.

My hair! What can I say, let it be!

Came the age of 25 (when I got married)

MY MENSES WENT BERSERK SO QUICKLY IT FREAKED ME OUT. 3 months no sign of PMS or spotting. I was sure I wasn’t pregnant, nevertheless I took pregnancy test which was negative (I was sure about). End of 3 months, comes the use of sanitary napkins without using any pills. ( I saved many bucks during those 3 months. LOL)

I darted the delay due to post-marriage stress 😛 . On a serious note, my menses were almost regular for 2 years.

Age of 27

Hormones. Checked. Follicular study. Done.  Only one follicle enlarged in one ovary and ruptured by 18th day of my cycle (which should have rang the bell of something ‘serious’, but we never anticipate for the worse, do we?) Nah-nah.

Age of 28

BANG! No menses for 5 months. No pregnancy. With WORSE PMS as if now, now the bleeding would start but nothing. My skin became so dull and the unhealthy look made me mad and angry (I didn’t have anyone or anything to blame on) despite of healthy eating habits. Trust me I had cut down junk foods drastically, restricted to once a week.

This time I had to take pills because it was enough.

Recheck of all the hormones. Done. Normal. Again except for FSH (Follicle stimulating hormone).

FSH to Ovaries: “RELEASE THE FOLLICLES, YOU! I AM TRYING SO HARD”

Ovaries: “DO NOT PUSH ME. I AM ALREADY TIRED.”

Uterus: “HELLO, YOU TWO! I AM WAITING SINCE SO LONG TO GROW A TINY HUMAN BEING WITHIN ME. Your fight is doing no good. I weep every month, well, not every month as you do not allow me to even weep.”

Me: “I am tired you guys. I am tired.”

Age of 29

We were labelled with ‘Primary infertility’ (Biggest impact) couples since second year of marriage. We had started planning by the end of first year but never conceived.

Hysterosalpingography. Done. Patent tubes.

Follicular study. 1 follicle. No growth. Ruptured prematurely. No conception (Not a surprise!)

Antral follicle count on Day 3. 2-3 dormant follicles only in one ovary. POOR RESULT.

FSH level. High.

Final test to confirm Premature ovarian failure

AMH (Anti-mullerian hormone). Bull’s eye for my diagnosis. Very very very low count.

Chances of conception with my own (if) remaining eggs – negligible.

Clinical suggestion – IVF with donor eggs.

Me (inside my head): “NO! NO! NO! No, no, no…”

Premature ovarian failure: “You have no other choice.”

Me: “I will never let you take control over my life.”

Image designed: Canva

educents-magformers

100 Things That Makes Me Happy

How often do we stress about the big things in our life? All the time! sigh whereas we forget the small things in our day-to-day life that makes us smile and happy.

100 things that make me happy

I am sharing 100 things that make me happy, some are gifts from nature and few are things I never realized before making the list which makes me happy.

Here it goes…

  1. Reading the last chapter of a book
  2. To-do list
  3. Quotes
  4. Preparing healthy recipe
  5. Clean refrigerator
  6. Smell of a new book
  7. Sticky notes
  8. Aeroplanes
  9. Flowers
  10. Clean sheets
  11. New haircut
  12. Hallmark and Disney movies
  13. Butterflies
  14. Ice cream
  15. Bookstore
  16. Diyas
  17. Window seat in a train
  18. Rain drops
  19. Printables
  20. Handwritten letters
  21. Old chats
  22. Paper handbags
  23. Painting nails
  24. Moon gazing
  25. Candid photos
  26. Snuggling in bed during rains
  27. Office supplies
  28. Opening parcels
  29. Waking up without an alarm
  30. Old photographs
  31. Finding perfect gift
  32. WhatsApping my friend
  33. Perfect selfie
  34. Favorite song playing on radio
  35. Surprises
  36. Email from bloggers
  37. Smile of a baby
  38. Offering seat to aged
  39. Smell after first rain
  40. Lying in bed doing nothing
  41. Puppies
  42. Baby clothes
  43. Stock photos
  44. Horizon
  45. Chalkboard
  46. Cute cutleries
  47. Flawless eyeliner and kohl eyes
  48. Tea (made by me)
  49. Adele songs
  50. Fox life and TLC shows100 things that make me happy
  51. Painting
  52. Sea water brushing against feet
  53. Windchimes
  54. Fairylights
  55. Face masks
  56. Grocery shopping
  57. Pinterest
  58. Podcasts on Player FM
  59. Clue (tracks my menstrual cycle which tumbles every now and then due to Primary ovarian failure)
  60. Writing in my online journal – Journey
  61. Stripped Tops
  62. Purple Color
  63. Organization
  64. Canva
  65. Glitter eyeshadows
  66. Guitar
  67. Solitude
  68. Candles
  69. Being thanked
  70. Peacock feather
  71. Pasta
  72. Bubbles
  73. Yummy smell while passing by a restaurant 
  74. Long nap 😉
  75. First sip of lemonade on a hot day
  76. Song resembling life
  77. Rainbow
  78. Text from someone I was thinking of
  79. School report cards
  80. New dress
  81. Owls
  82. Shells
  83. DIYs
  84. Bossing my dad 😀
  85. Necklace
  86. Rangoli
  87. Hot fomentation after tiring day
  88. Smoothies
  89. Placing water for birds
  90. Direct shower on head and back (relieves the stress, trust me!)
  91. Capturing life moments
  92. Footwear (I am junkie when it comes to footwear but H restricts me from buying, ‘coz there in no space to keep them)
  93. Chirping sparrows
  94. Budding plant
  95. Chocolates during PMS
  96. When H pays the bill for my shopping (lol)
  97. Waking up on holiday
  98. Candle-lit dark room
  99. Sunflower
  100. Kid holding my finger

 

I am sure your list may vary from this.