Sweet Home Alabama

I love Reese Witherspoon.

reese witherspoon

She is my favourite in Big Little Lies TV series among the other major leads and in this movie she was FAB! It had been long time since I watched a whole movie at a stretch in one go. Watching movies on Romedy Now is one of my self-care pamper routine. When I am alone I tune it to see which movie is running and if it is on my to-watch-movie list (yes I do have such list), no one can stop me. It is a perfect way of relaxation. I love their theme: Love. Laugh. Live

It is inspiring how Melanie (Reese Witherspoon character) travels to a big city reinvents her self to become a successful designer. My favourite part starts when she comes back to her hometown (after seven years) to get a divorce from Jake.

It was so hilarious when she meets Jake after seven years and tries to get in their home. Excerpt of the scene:

Jake: [not recognizing Melanie in her sunglasses] Can I help you?

Melanie Carmichael: Well, for starters, you can get your stubborn ass down here and give me a divorce.

Jake: You’re shittin’ me, right?

Melanie Carmichael: I never fully understood that expression, but no, I am not “shitting” you.

The tussle between two of them was fun because I saw me and H in that situation (LOL). The fight and how with authority she enters the home as if she never left. I visualized myself in her situation because of her stubbornness like I am 😀

Love is beautiful but strange. Melanie and Jake are the childhood sweethearts but lived in separation for many years after marriage. This made me think! I have seen childhood love flourish and also almost ending as if they had never been in love.

And then there are couples who meet late after mid-life and are happy together. Can I conclude that it doesn’t matter when you meet that ‘one’ in your life? I and H were engaged for 9 months before we got married. Woah! Those nine months were lovely, adventurous with pinch of salt and large spoonful of chilly powder. I had got the glimpse of how married life would be for me. 

We fought a lot in early years of marriage. So much so that I had thoughts of divorce and separation. I had even confessed it to him. Things are not going smooth we should take a break from each other. It was may be due to our differences in thinking or whatever it was, over the period I made a truce and shook hands with it. 

Now the fight with infertility causes clashes in our relationship but life is not bad as it was. It gets better and it would get much better if I conceive 😀

happy girl gif

Anyways back to the movie. If you haven’t watched it and now that you have a peek in its storyline I request to at least watch the scene where Melanie visits the Dog Cemetery and the conversation between Jake and her. I had tears rolling down. 

It still amazes me how  we fight with the one but somewhere deep down love exists. But there are also relationship where it turns out too unpleasant to be in each others life and it is best to walk on different paths. Nothing wrong in it. Why should we force the couple to live together when everything is wrong in the root of the relationship? Just because of societal norms, Oh Please! The only thing that exist in such lives is hatred and abuses. I have witnessed it  and so I am of the belief that living separately is best. 

I can’t stress enough on the fact – ‘Life is short.’ So why to live in such unhealthy link? 

Love does exist in various forms. We just got to have eyes to look for it. 

sweet home alabama wedding scene

 

 

 

The Lovely Bones and Note to Self Podcast

educents-magformers
I was very hesitant to pick up the book ‘The Lovely Bones’ by Alice Sebold due to its plot of rape and murder of a teenager. But it was on my TBR list since long and I thought enough, I have to read it. Today I read the first 20 pages and it left me shuddered. I have set my mind not to quit reading. Susie Salmon seems so familiar as everyday a Susie in India is reaped out of her soul with the dirty hands. I don’t want to talk more about it here because this post will be all about anger and vengeance.

lovely bones book

Susie narrates her story from heaven and how she wants to change the life of family after she is gone. This reminded me of the podcast I listened to recently. Note to self is one of my many favorite podcast show. In one of the episode (Messages from the Beyond) they have featured Safe Beyond where we can leave messages in form of video, audio or text to our loved ones after our death. We can set the message according to date, location or event.

The thought made me curious but also raised many questions in my head. I would love H or my child (when I have one) has a living part of me talking with them after I am gone. But then will they like?

Question one: I don’t know my expiry date, so when should I set the video, audio or text.

Question two: What if they slip into grief again if one day I pop up with the recording after they have overcome with the grief of losing me?

But still I love the thought of recording a video for someone who will see it after my last breathe. 

I love to keep a journal. I had stopped many years due to unfavorable circumstances. But I have restarted it again. I had vented my feelings each night in my diaries for 2 years. But I had never ever wanted anyone to read my feelings I had poured in those pages. I was too scared and with the fear one day I ripped the pages of one of the diary. I tore every single page of it. I was sad but also glad that I had it wrote down what I felt.

The other diary still lies safe in my closet. I will come to know if anyone reads it because I have sealed it with duct tape. Opening it is not easy. LOL.

My blogs are a part of me too but is open to everyone. Only my child will have the right to read my journal 😉

Earlier I had vented my emotions of a young adult. It consisted of anger of a teenager, the restlessness of 20 something, the falling in love, getting out of it, of people not understanding me.

The journal I want to start would leave words of wisdom, the struggles, the losses, and failures, getting over them, wins, reaching goals and many more which will help my child or anyone who read it to become a better person. I am not the wisest person but I have learned a lot about ‘Life’ and the lesson is not over yet.

I would end this post here asking: What do you think the idea behind Safe Beyond- the digital legacy?

Image source

MAYBELLINE COLOR PLUSH SILK EYESHADOW

3aa8572c65dd57d46ced22babd0bd8f6_xlargeL'OREAL EYESHADOW

100 Things That Makes Me Happy

How often do we stress about the big things in our life? All the time! sigh whereas we forget the small things in our day-to-day life that makes us smile and happy.

100 things that make me happy

I am sharing 100 things that make me happy, some are gifts from nature and few are things I never realized before making the list which makes me happy.

Here it goes…

  1. Reading the last chapter of a book
  2. To-do list
  3. Quotes
  4. Preparing healthy recipe
  5. Clean refrigerator
  6. Smell of a new book
  7. Sticky notes
  8. Aeroplanes
  9. Flowers
  10. Clean sheets
  11. New haircut
  12. Hallmark and Disney movies
  13. Butterflies
  14. Ice cream
  15. Bookstore
  16. Diyas
  17. Window seat in a train
  18. Rain drops
  19. Printables
  20. Handwritten letters
  21. Old chats
  22. Paper handbags
  23. Painting nails
  24. Moon gazing
  25. Candid photos
  26. Snuggling in bed during rains
  27. Office supplies
  28. Opening parcels
  29. Waking up without an alarm
  30. Old photographs
  31. Finding perfect gift
  32. WhatsApping my friend
  33. Perfect selfie
  34. Favorite song playing on radio
  35. Surprises
  36. Email from bloggers
  37. Smile of a baby
  38. Offering seat to aged
  39. Smell after first rain
  40. Lying in bed doing nothing
  41. Puppies
  42. Baby clothes
  43. Stock photos
  44. Horizon
  45. Chalkboard
  46. Cute cutleries
  47. Flawless eyeliner and kohl eyes
  48. Tea (made by me)
  49. Adele songs
  50. Fox life and TLC shows100 things that make me happy
  51. Painting
  52. Sea water brushing against feet
  53. Windchimes
  54. Fairylights
  55. Face masks
  56. Grocery shopping
  57. Pinterest
  58. Podcasts on Player FM
  59. Clue (tracks my menstrual cycle which tumbles every now and then due to Primary ovarian failure)
  60. Writing in my online journal – Journey
  61. Stripped Tops
  62. Purple Color
  63. Organization
  64. Canva
  65. Glitter eyeshadows
  66. Guitar
  67. Solitude
  68. Candles
  69. Being thanked
  70. Peacock feather
  71. Pasta
  72. Bubbles
  73. Yummy smell while passing by a restaurant 
  74. Long nap 😉
  75. First sip of lemonade on a hot day
  76. Song resembling life
  77. Rainbow
  78. Text from someone I was thinking of
  79. School report cards
  80. New dress
  81. Owls
  82. Shells
  83. DIYs
  84. Bossing my dad 😀
  85. Necklace
  86. Rangoli
  87. Hot fomentation after tiring day
  88. Smoothies
  89. Placing water for birds
  90. Direct shower on head and back (relieves the stress, trust me!)
  91. Capturing life moments
  92. Footwear (I am junkie when it comes to footwear but H restricts me from buying, ‘coz there in no space to keep them)
  93. Chirping sparrows
  94. Budding plant
  95. Chocolates during PMS
  96. When H pays the bill for my shopping (lol)
  97. Waking up on holiday
  98. Candle-lit dark room
  99. Sunflower
  100. Kid holding my finger

 

I am sure your list may vary from this. 

I Hate Her

‘I hate her’ (my mom), this is what I had written on a red and blue line paper when I was just seven or eight years old. I exactly remember that time phase. It was an afternoon and out of nowhere, I don’t know what got into me, I wrote those horrendous sentences and had crumpled the paper in my fist in my anger. That memory is etched on my mind which can never be erased. Why had I written it? The entire childhood I had the (false) belief that my mom loved my sibling more than me.

Let me tell you, it wasn’t sibling rivalry; jealously, yes might be. I took care of my sibling whenever we were alone or while going to school. I had run to a store to buy a chart with the only one rupee I had with me for my siblings’ class assignment who had forgotten to tell mom to buy the earlier day. So, it wasn’t sibling rivalry or jealousy either.

Now, in my adulthood after attending psychology lectures during medical college I came to know what exactly I was going through during childhood. It was childhood depression. After 24 years of living I understood it was depression and not sibling rivalry when I underwent training for personal counseling. I was depressed in that tender age and no one, NO ONE understood that.

It wasn’t a full-fledged depression where I hurt myself or others but I remained aloof. I never used to convey my emotions to my parents or anyone else. I used to spend time with ‘myself’. Solitude was my companion. I couldn’t cry in front of others but I remember crying my heart out in bathroom. It was countless times. Yes, indeed.

I lost my years of childhood due to it. I never had the ‘mother-daughter’ relation. I couldn’t put forward my opinions, my dreams. Everything went in vain. Just because I couldn’t gather courage to speak my heart out. Time passed by and somehow I did come out of it. My relation with my mother has outgrown that feeling.

Still I have the darkness inside me which overpowers me occasionally. Have you cried out wholeheartedly IN FRONT OF OTHERS or someone? If yes, you are blessed to do it. I have never or I cannot cry wholeheartedly in front of anyone not even H. In fact it is hardest to cry out in front of him.

I never intended to write this post on depression, post World Health Day which emphasized on ‘Depression’ this year. Rather this post is an unexpected flare after watching the movie Dear Zindagi, third time. Haven’t watched it then you must even if you do not understand the language watch it with subtitles. I am sure you will take something in return with it every time.

What I haven’t done in my life which the movie communicates?

Dialogue: Tum agar khulke ro nahi sakogi … toh khulkar has kaise sakogi

If you are not able to cry openly … then how will you laugh openly

As mentioned earlier, I cannot.

Dialogue: Zindagi ek jigsaw puzzle ki tarah hai … mere jaise log uss puzzle ke khoye hue tukde, sirf dhoondne aur jodne mein madad kar sakte hai … par only you can complete the puzzle.

Life is like a jigsaw puzzle … people like me can only help you in finding and connecting the puzzle pieces … but only you can complete the puzzle

I have started to picking up the puzzle but not completed yet.

Dialogue: Safe feel karne ke liye pehle saare dar mitana zaroori hai

To feel safe you first need to remove all your fears

I HAVE SO MANY FEARS. Fear of not being pregnant, fear of losing relation, fear of failing.

Dialogue: Agar hum apni zindagi ka steering wheel apne haath mein nahi lenge na … toh koi doosra driver seat par baith jayega

If we don’t take the steering wheel of our life in our own hands … then someone else will sit on the driver’s seat

The steering wheel is in my hands but I haven’t started the vehicle yet to direct it.

My most favorite one:

Dialogue: Jab hum apne aap ko achchi tarah samajh lete hai … toh doosre kya samajhte hai, it doesn’t matter … not at all

When we understand ourselves well enough … then it doesn’t matter what others think about us … not at all

THIS IS WHAT I HAVE TO ABSORB!

©kohleyed7

Dear zindagi, Dear Life

Image credit

5 Years of Sharing, Caring, Fighting

5 years ago, this very day H and I got engaged. Oh my! I looked beautiful. I can say this, can’t I? 😉 because I had never groomed myself earlier. That day and my wedding day are special days in my life (and the days between them were tug of war and still are! LOL). I had never dreamt of living with a soul for this long. I still can’t believe I have spent 1825 days of my life with H.

Initial days after marriage were stressful, A LOT, trust me. I guess most married couples must have gone through those tough days. Now my bit sane and rational mind says it is not what you go through but how you deal with it that matters. I haven’t changed myself for H neither I made him to change for me. This I understood much after the difficult phase of my life when ‘separation’ and ‘divorce’ were the only words stuck within me.

I kept myself busy in work to overcome the situation. For the matter of fact, I started ignoring which was not the solution. But work kept me sane. The only way I found peace within me and the relation was – giving up expectations. Yes, the expectations which I had set for him and for me. I never or haven’t given up on us but only the ‘expectation’- the parasite of any relationship.

Pleasant surprises came along my way when I stopped expecting ‘a lot of things’ from him.

I am finding many insights from the book I am currently reading – ‘Committed’ by Elizabeth Gilbert as I said in my previous post. I am not accepting word to word said in the book but I can relate with most of the survey and facts she has mentioned in the book. This post will be too long if I start talking about the book. I shall write a detailed post about my thoughts on it once I finish reading. I am quite happy that I haven’t found it dull rather interesting. Its just been 4 days and I am half way through the book.

I am ending this post by sharing the engagement day pic, 7 April 2012. Happy Engagement Anniversary to me. Cheers to our fights and loving days!!!

engagement, marriage vows, love

Our Engagement Day

©kohleyed7

Image created using Canva
Credit: Image of golden rings

I had a nervous breakdown

Warning: This post starts with a depressing note but could end with a happy note.

Friday evening 6 pm:

I came back from work, entered the empty home as always. I kept down my handbag and groceries and headed to freshen up. As soon as I saw my reflection in the mirror I broke. I don’t know why and how but I cried and sobbed. I felt as if the reflection is not me. Have you ever felt the same? I questioned myself looking in the mirror. I couldn’t shout but my anger came out through the gritted teeth.

It lasted for 5 minutes and I calmed down. After the downpour of tears I knew exactly why I broke down. I had kept them inside me for too long.

Secondly I was in pain, I am in pain. I am talking about physical one. Since few days I am having severe cramps in my back and lower abdomen. My abdomen is bloated as if it would burst. It was a great struggle traveling and sitting at workplace. I couldn’t share my pain with anyone, ANYONE. Why? I might be PMS pain. It means one more month passed by without getting pregnant. It was a relief that H is out of town otherwise I would have to bear the pain without showing it through my expression.

The pain reached its limit on Friday and half of Saturday so much so that I don’t even remember how many times I filled the hot water bag just to get some relief. I did not take any pain relievers. Hoping, simply hoping what if the pain is not of PMS but a sign of implantation. But does it hurt so much? Can anyone share or guide me through your experience?

I slept through most of the Saturday morning. I needed it. I have been eating healthy foods still the pain won’t budge. Let me tell you hormones and healthy eating never goes hand in hand. Hormones are their own master. No one can rule over them. Even medicines after certain period of time can’t handle them. And mine have become overpowering to control them.

Reading has become my ultimate distraction from the pain and the overall ‘getting pregnant’. I have been loving solitude more than ever now. It is agonizing that even the beloved ones do not understand my suffering. Yes ‘infertility’ is a ‘suffering’.

P.S. I like you’ by Kasie West rescued me from falling into nervous breakdown. I read it in 3 days (the fastest time considering balancing work life and home chores). I couldn’t keep it down. My mind couldn’t take off the book, telling me to finish reading it. The story line is predictable but the narration, the words exchanged between the characters and above all the letters and the lyrics (both are my weakness). A handwritten note or a letter can never be compared with a text or an email even though the later are faster to send through.

One of my favorite line from the book which appropriately suits my current life situation:

“I feel like if I hold things close, never share, then I never give anyone the opportunity to judge me.”

P.S. I like you‘ was the first book I read by Kasie West and now I am eager to read her other books.

The book reminded me of another favorite of mine which also has songs in it. This led me to hear the song  Maybe Someday – Griffin Peterson again.

I am all set to read ‘Committed’ by Elizabeth Gilbert, the sequel to ‘eat pray love‘ which I read 6 years ago. I had loved it. The book sparked my reading journey again which had taken a halt due to my studies and graduation.

Ending this post with the quote shared in ‘Committed: A Love Story’ in the very beginning.

I said I would end the post on a happy note 🙂

queen victoria quotes, quotes on marriage, marriage quotes, quotes in committted book by elizabeth gilbert

Home delivery

Most of us have heard the saying, “That’s the best thing since sliced bread!” What do you think is actually the best thing since sliced bread?

Home delivery of products via online shopping and not delivery of baby at home if you thought by reading the title.

Seriously, it is a boon especially to women (not being a sexist). Imagine traveling miles for daily groceries even when she is unwell. I experience the painful period and how tedious it is get out of home during  this time. 

A homemaker or a working woman, groceries at doorstep has lessen the burden. Have you read n number of posts regarding ‘me time’s or pamper routine? How many actually spend such time in this fast paced world?

My day starts at 6 am and all I do is cook, bathe, get ready for work, stand in queue for auto, run for catching the train, bus and 8 hours at work. The reverse of this happens in evening.

By the time I think of pampering self the day leaves me exhausted.

The only time I squeeze out from this daily chores is time saved from ordering groceries online. I do not have to rush to a store, search for the products in various section, stand in queue for billing. 

Though there are many life saving invention but for me the best thing since sliced bread is groceries available online and at my doorstep.

This post is written under daily writing prompts. January 27, Sliced bread