Nope, I am not here with the so-called “good news”; because “expecting” for me is no longer in the “good news” category. For me good news is:
- I have got my period. (Yes, this is good for the one with primary ovarian failure who sometimes doesn’t get withdrawal bleeding with artificial hormones)
- When my RE says, “ET looks good.”
Well, I have not heard either of the above in last 3 months.
Time for some recap
19 Jun’18: FET (3 healthy embryos were transferred)
3 Jul’18: Beta – HCG 183.64 (I was pregnant!)
7 Jul’18: Beta – HCG 905.46 (Growing strong)
17 Jul’18: Beta – HCG 15623.64 (LOOK AT THOSE NUMBERS!)
3 Aug’18: First scan – Fetal cardiac activity absent (Numb, devastated, broken) MISSED ABORTION!
6 Aug’18: Undergone D & C and I had decided to do ‘karyotyping’ in products of conception (Strange how it sounds like that instead of calling a baby)
30 Aug’18: Study of chromosome analysis: Normal karyotype
19 Sep’18: APLA Test. Guess what? Normal levels.
What caused the miscarriage?
‘No cause found’. Missed abortion is also known as ‘silent miscarriage’. It did leave silently and left me in silence. Missed abortion is caused in 10% of pregnancies. I was the special among that 10%.
Apparently being special did not end here. My first period post D & C turned out to be scanty. The next one scantier and the third one was like – ‘what should I call this? Only traces of blood’.
I was struck with Asherman syndrome, a rare condition. In most cases, it occurs in women who have had several dilatation and curettage (D&C) procedures.
I told you, I am “The Chosen One”!
10 Dec’18: Hysteroscopy with adhesiolysis
2 days Post-hysteroscopy, there wasn’t any significant bleeding. It increased and by the 7th day full-fledged bleeding as if I am on period.
I am on Tab Pause-MF which has decreased the bleeding but then again my body has to bear the blow of progesterone in next week. THAT will be called as ‘period’. Fingers-crossed!!!
How am I doing?
I did undergo the 5 stages of grief. Learning to live with the one I lost.
But often when I start to count the months it never fails me to realize I would have been 6 months pregnant with a baby bump. I would have been due in Mar’19.
I had refrained from doing a UPT at home post FET in June as I was anxious. After the second beta – HCG I finally decided to do it. I still have that strip with BFP. I have kept it as a remembrance of what ‘I had blessed with’ more than the feeling of loss.
I don’t know whether I have healed because it has traumatized me emotionally > physical pain.
I thought the first FET would be scary but I am fearful (not scary) for second FET, and I don’t even know when it will be. Because the first time I was ready, the second will come with fear as I have to make up my mind for the loss too (if it did come).
I am with you if you have been through same. Do share how you were healed. Let’s help each other.