Oh boy, did I cry two nights in a row?
No, it wasn’t because of TTC but after watching the last episode of The Vampire Diaries and the next night the movie ‘The Last Word’. One being fiction and the other so close to reality. Let me begin with the Vampire Diaries: Fiction yet the friendship, the brotherhood, the love connected to what life is all about. I could connect with all the emotions: anger, hatred, jealousy, revenge. Have you ever felt the person near you cannot be the person with whom you connect emotionally? Have you ever experienced the unrequited love? Have you ever been reluctant to confess your love? Is there anyone, one single person who knows you so much so that the distance doesn’t matter?
I have asked you many questions. It’s now my turn to answer each one of them. The one person near and always near me is H and I am sad to say that I cannot connect with him on the ground of emotions. We are like the two ends of the pole yet together. I have always been an introvert more over introvert with regards to emotions. It is so difficult to share what I feel. It may be because of my upbringing or my fear that people will laugh at my emotions. I can only write my feelings but sometimes even that is difficult. As I am sharing most of my insides, I want to tell you something.
This isn’t my first or the only blog. This vast world of blogging resides my first blog I started in 2010. Yeah long journey into blogging! That blog is still alive I will keep it alive till my last breathe. That blog is my shadow. It made me realized what I am capable of. I found myself in it. It is my mirror. Whenever life becomes hazy, it clears my vision. It shows me where I stand. It brought out the poet inside me. When I go back to the poems I wrote it reflects how much I have lost in these years. I have lost a part of my life. I have lost my muse. Over the period I came out of my anonymity to only to few fellow bloggers and I am so glad to meet them on this platform. We are still in touch after so many years. But they do not know it is me behind kohleyed7. I do hope sometime soon I will drop down the mask of anonymous here.
Back to answering the questions. I haven’t experienced an unrequited love but I never confessed my love to the person, the first and only person who caught the real me behind the silence. I thought it must be coincidence but no, each time that person knew what I was thinking. Do I regret it? Yes, I do. I should have at least tried and if the answer had been ‘No’ I would have lived with it but now I may never know.
The answer to the last question: Yes, I have that one person who knows me well where the distance doesn’t matter. I am not lucky but I am blessed to have. I can ping the one anytime of day or night and just few words brings back the calmness inside my turmoil mind.
The Last Word: I cried, I cried towards the end due to sadness and I laughed through my tears. It made me re-think about my obituary, how will it be? Harriet Lauler was a successful woman during her young age but people did not like her but she did something’s at age of 81 to change that. She can do those at 81, I am 30 and I have to work hard. The one reading my obituary would title it as, ‘She lived her life she wanted.’